I am Indiana Jones and the Struggle to Make my Baby Sleep

All is calm as I watch her doze off. Her eating slows down, her eyelids droop, her crazy free hand stops grabbing fist fulls of my boob.

I think she is asleep.

I must wait patiently for the exact right moment to begin. Too early and she will go right back to eating. Too late and she will just wake up and skip this nap.

I think she is asleep.

Alright. She’s asleep. Slowly slide my lower arm under her body. Place my outer arm on top of her body.

Still asleep. Keep going.

WAIT. She started nursing again. Alright. I guess I’m here for another ten minutes at least.

Alright. Asleep again.

Place arms strategically. Very carefully try to stand up. USE YOUR STRONG QUADS, NAOMI! OK, you’re up. Now slowly move towards the crib avoiding the squeeky floor board. No sudden movements.

Oh, thank god. She’s still asleep. Slowly…. SLOWER, lower her into the crib. Oh man, she’s rousing a little. Keep your arms under her while she lays there and wiggles. Good, good. She stopped moving.

You can do this. You’re almost there. DON’T BLOW IT NOW!

Alright, now, slide your left arm out and place it firmly on her chest. Hold her steady while you slide your right arm out from under her. Gently lift your hand off her.

She looks calm, relaxed and asleep. Turn on the monitor, back away and creep out the room. Open the door, step lightly to not squeek the floor boards too loudly. Close the door gently.

YOU’RE OUT! YOU DID IT! Go get yourself that beer and finally sit down to eat some dinner with your husband.

Finally food and…… God fucking damnit. She’s crying again.

Let’s do this again. Probably two or three more times.


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