Over the last ten months I’ve been watching our daughter grow. I’ve been keeping track of what milestones she should be meeting and I’ve noticed each one. I saw when she learned to roll over and when she learned to roll back over. When she could sit up. When she could get on her hands and knees. When she could crawl. When she could stand. When she could walk with help. When she could say “dada” and “mama”. When she took her very first solo steps.
I’ve been so busy watching her physical development that the psychological development keeps taking me by surprise.
I keep being surprised by how much of a person she is.
That sounds bad but I think you know what I mean. I’ve never spent time with a baby like this before. I’ve never seen personality develop and it’s fucking cool!
My kid is funny and silly and adventurous and determined and silly. She’s so fucking silly. I wish I could adequately describe her silliness. It’s magical.
Tonight my baby turned into a kid when she got the sleepy sillies at bedtime. She was laughing and she was trying to make us laugh. It is absolutely my favourite thing in the world when she tries to make me laugh.
This is fucking amazing.
It sucks. It sucks so much.
My kid is awesome when awake. She’s joyful, funny, silly and adventurous.
But when it’s time to take a nap she turns into the worst kind of beast.
I always hold out hope that nap time will go well. She holds still while I change her diaper. She drinks her bottle without fussing while I read her the same ol’ stories (I could recite Welcome Baby in my sleep).
And then I try to put her to sleep. And how dare I?! How dare I try to get my kid to nap when she’s tired. I walk her, I bounce her, I rock her, I rub her back, I say “shh” so many times it has lost all meaning. She still will not go to sleep.
So sometimes she gets to cry to sleep. And that makes me feel like a bad mom. I cry outside her room while she cries inside her room because I can’t do anything to calm her down. She just needs to fall asleep and I’m distracting her not helping her. I cry outside her room listening to her cry “mama” knowing that if I go back in there right away she isn’t going to go to sleep. She is going to cry louder and harder and wake up. I know that if I just wait 5 minutes I will hear her calm down and relax and finally go to sleep. But those 5 minutes are the fucking worst. I feel like I’m failing her. I’m failing her in that moment.
Bedtime is ok. For some reason bedtime is fine. Sometimes a few minutes of crying but it’s not really crying. It’s more like whining. Which is totally easy to listen to . I can listen to the sounds of her whining to sleep any day.
But the crying at nap time. Will nap time ever not be like this? Probably. Does it suck right now? Fuck yes.