“You are mean to that dog”, my brother said hesitantly.
And, holy shit, I’m so happy he did. Those words made me think hard about how I was acting. I was yelling at my dog. I was short with my husband. I was struggling to maintain my patience with my baby. The smallest things were making me angry. So fucking angry. Adam didn’t do all the chores even though he was at work all day. Traffic was bad so he was 10 minutes late coming home. My pizza was reheated too hot in the middle and too cold on the edges. The dog was asking for too much love. The dog was being a dog. Beans was being a baby. Beans was sleeping too long on me and I really had to pee.
I had this seething anger sitting in my belly, glowing red hot and trying to escape. It was exhausting trying to keep it down and be patient. It was heartbreaking to see myself blow up and snap when all I wanted to do was laugh and hug. I was faking my happiness and I couldn’t keep up with it.
So, I called my doctor. And I cried in her office and told her honestly how I didn’t know how to feel happy anymore. How I was angry at every one except Beans. I only had patience for Beans and that didn’t feel like me. How I missed smiling without feeling that sadness behind my eyes. How I wanted to make her laugh but didn’t have the energy because all my energy was going towards staying calm.
She listened calmly and talked openly with me about what help I might be able to find. She gave me a prescription for hormonal birth control and, best of all, she gave me a referral for a counselor and made me an appointment to come back and check in with her.
I filled that prescription. I have always struggled with a balance in my hormones which cause me to be extremely emotional so it was no surprise when after only a month I was able to laugh without feeling like it was forced. Within two months I was smiling regularly and making my baby laugh again. I was loving my dog instead of just dealing with her.
I also saw a counselor but that was a fucking bust. She was not well equipped to deal with post-partum or baby issues. She actually suggested I give my 9 month old baby a time out and punch pillows to get my anger out.
It’s been four months now and I finally feel like myself again. I re-gained my energy, lost the last 20 pounds of cake I gained while pregnant (that’s another story all together), and when I looked in the mirror I saw myself again. I saw the joy in my eyes, the love for my husband, the happiness that sits in our home, the beautiful chaos that is our life.
I was looking out for sadness, depression, exhaustion, dark days. I did not know to look for anger. I didn’t know I could even feel as angry I did. I’ve never felt that angry before. I’ve never treated my loved ones like that before. Thank god for my doctor. I’m so happy to be me again.