It’s been roughly 10 months since I first started to describe myself as “exhausted” every day. Every single day.
In December I was blaming the course I was taking for making me exhausted – plus Christmas plus Beans being a handful plus winter approaching. It was justifiable.
In January my father-in-law died suddenly. Enough said.
In February Adam and I went on a date where we learned to make sushi. Instead of having such a great time all evening I had to rally myself to get dressed, go, be cheerful, and not cry when 10:00 pm hit because it had all been so much. I blamed the lack of vitamin D.
In March I made a joke that I should just stop saying I’m tired because it’s really my constant state of being.
In April I had a breakdown because I couldn’t fathom how other adult couples were keeping their lives afloat – I blamed my workload: it was the end of tax season after all.
In June I made a doctor’s appointment because there is no way that other adults are this tired all the time. There must be something wrong. We did blood work, he asked me if I was happy (which I answered “yes” because I am, technically. Other than this fucking exhaustion). My blood work came back normal. I swore at the nurse who told me this over the phone – I wanted an easy solution.
In July I began to think that maybe I’m not getting enough exercise. I will start doing Barre classes. Adam and I did a 16 km hiking/camping trip. I went for a run. I biked to work. No change to report. I had days where it took 20 mins to convince myself to stop sitting on the couch (literally doing nothing but resting my hand on the dog) and just put the toys away. I stopped crafting. I stopped planning. I stopped caring about what my house looked like (pictures have been falling off the walls and I don’t care about it enough to get new hooks). I stopped initiating board games. I stopped talking to my best friend because it was easier than admitting that I didn’t have the emotional energy for her.
In August I began having thoughts like “I’m trapped in this life” and “It would be easier on everyone if you left” and “There’s too much to do. You are a failure because you can’t get it all done”. This was my darkest moment. Luckily I have been educated enough to have recognized that these were lies. I know as fact that I love my life, my husband, kid, family and friends love me, and no one can get it all done (it’s not just me).
So, this afternoon I have a doctor’s appointment where I will try to fight my brain and tell my doctor that I need help. My brain will not convince me that this is my fault and that I am beyond help. I will fight for myself and if my doctor won’t listen I will find another doctor. I need help.
Last month was the darkest month I have ever experienced and it shouldn’t have been. It was filled with love, laughter, friends, family, sunshine, fresh air and a hundred other things I enjoy but I couldn’t enjoy it properly because there was this dark cloud – it looms over and around my head, clouding my judgement of myself, not allowing me to fully enjoy my life.
I want to fully enjoy my life and I’m ready for some medical help. I cannot do this on my own and I need someone to help me in a way that my husband, friends and family cannot. Let’s see how today goes.