- I can’t save the whole damn planet. I’m only one person.
- How in the hell did my Beans get so fucking big? She’s full sentences, great memory, full blown kid. That was a bit of a fragmented sentence. Oh well.
- Why am I so hungry by 11:30 am? Maybe I should eat a snack at 9:30 am.
- I need more time to be organized. I need to be more organized to find more time.
- This issue at work is still not resolved and I cannot do anything about it except poke the same people over and over again. I just audibly sighed about it.
- I want a new shelf system for my entry way so I can move the current one to a different location.
- If I got a more narrow entry way shelf then I could fit the ever-longed-after chest freezer there.
- If I had a chest freezer already would I have more frozen meals ready to go? Would I be worrying less about dinner tonight?
- Shit. What’s for dinner tonight?
- I chose time over money when I hired our housecleaner. She is worth every penny, even though pennies don’t exist anymore. Well, they exist, but they are no longer being produced or circulated. She’s still worth it. We just had a great conversation about the best type of mop and she complimented my DIY all purpose cleaner and chose in screen cleaning cloth.
- My body is…. well, a body.
- I missed Barre class last week. I need to lift weights and tuck and balance and stretch so badly.
- My current book is so good.
- Where do I start when I re-organize my kitchen? How do I do this without disrupting my entire Saturday? Do I need to take a day off for this project? No? Maybe Beans could help in her own way? Do I have enough space to empty the cupboards and start again? Probably not. But I think that’s the best way to do it. Thinking about the chaos before the calm is giving me anxiety and making me want to procrastinate this project more.
- I need to study.
- I need to build our next DnD campaign night. But I need to study more. At what point do I postpone this to focus on studying?
- When can I take a day off for the spa with Adam? We could use a break.
- How is our budget looking? Can I buy too many clothes today? Probably not. I better close all these tabs.
- Do I even entertain the idea of letting my 10 year old niece sleep in my 2 year old daughter’s room this weekend when she visits? Is the payoff worth it?
- We haven’t played a board game in a really long time. I want to play anything. I want to have time and energy to play anything. I want us both to have time and energy at the same time.
- What kind of plant would survive in a hanger in front of my East facing bedroom window? Where do I get a support to hang a plant? Would it even look good there? Would it annoy me there? Where can I put a small tree in our house?
As of 18 yrs old I have always lived a minimum 1.5 hour drive from my parents’ home (excepting a small stint post Europe when I had no money – thanks again, mom and dad). My family has been a long distance relationship for my entire adult life. I’ve grown accustomed to them switching holidays to entirely different weekends to ensure all of us can be there. This works because not one of us lives in the same city anymore. We are all a minimum one hour away from each other.
So, when I chose to include myself in the family of my beloved seven hours from my childhood home I didn’t think much of it. I assumed they would accommodate as I have always accommodated. What I have never gotten used to is the fact that this family all lives within 20 minutes of each other.
So when my chosen spouse and I choose to use an extended weekend to drive the seven hours to visit my family I forget that they don’t need to rearrange their lives to see each other. They can still have their holiday meal even if we aren’t there and why wouldn’t they? They can easily drive to each other for an evening and still sleep in their own beds.
I also didn’t plan on the loss of my beloved’s step-father of 20+ years. Losing him hit all of us extremely hard. He was a positive pillar in our family. We love him and now that he’s gone our communication about holidays has gone from ok to terrible. The emotions are high. The sadness is real. The need to be supported is so real.
So how do you balance two families? One that is long distance and with whom we cram all our face to face time in within a few days every four months. One that is grieving the tremendous loss of an incredible man.
I don’t know how to make the choice. If we choose to travel we are avoiding the real effects of his death. We aren’t faced with the reality that he isn’t there for the family moments. We aren’t there to support our family when we need each other. If we choose to stay we miss one of the few opportunities we get each year to visit my large brood of love and laughter. Either way we miss out. We cannot be both here and there. No matter which family we choose we are leaving one behind and possibly hurting feelings. It has never felt good.
Usually by the time I’ve written out the thoughts jumbled in my head I have some minor epiphany I can conclude with. I have no such thought tonight. I only have sadness and longing.
I saw my doctor in August. He let me speak. He asked relevant questions. He asked questions about my past, about the last time I felt this low even though it was 15 years ago. I was a teenager and spending too much time on the computer at night. “How did you get out of it?” “Ha!”, I said, surprised to be saying it out loud, “I found God. Whether that was the catalyst or not, that’s what happened”. I didn’t think my dark experience as a teenager was relevant until he asked me about it. Of course it was relevant. It was real. It was depression.
He let me cry. He gave me a questionnaire to answer honestly. Questions like “In the last 2 – 3 months have you felt like you were a burden to your family: 1. Rarely 2. Sometimes 3. Most of the time 4. Always.” Questions that were hard to answer. He left me alone to answer these questions. I cried the entire way through because… because even though I was in the doctor’s office seeking help I still didn’t want to admit that I needed help.
Even when he said “so, what do you expect to come from this appointment?” I was still hesitant to say blatantly “I need help. I don’t know what that help looks like but I have tried all my usual tricks and I am in a very dark place that I cannot get out of.”
It had been nearly a year for me of trying to convince myself that my depression was situational. It would go away when winter was over, when I lost the last 10 pounds, when we could play outside again, when we started eating fresh seasonal food, when something else happened. I couldn’t blame it on the situation when I started hearing my thoughts lie to me. When my brain started to tell me that my family would be better off if I moved out, or that my friends were only pretending to like me because they liked Adam, or that my best friend should not be burdened with my struggle because she would probably use it against me to steal my life. Writing it now makes me feel just plain ridiculous but in that cloud of fog those thoughts were so real.
I had been sitting with my head in this dark fog for the last year and you probably didn’t know. I was still hosting board game nights regularly. I was still reaching out to friends for play dates and drinks (even if less frequently). I was laughing and smiling when it seemed appropriate to do so. I was polite and kind to others. But when I was home I was tired. I was so tired all the time because I was using any emotional energy I had to put on a brave face for others. I was finding myself unable to get off the couch to even do the dishes. I would just sit there for 20, 30, 45 minutes staring blankly at the floor while petting the dog, willing myself to just get up and be an adult. I stopped crafting and the frequency of my craft nights dwindled.
I wasn’t talking about it because my brain was telling me that no one wanted to hear about it or that I was making a big deal of nothing. Everyone gets sad and tired sometimes. Especially moms.
I started taking an SSRI about 6 weeks ago. Temporary side-effects aside, I could feel the cloud lifting off my head. I was smiling because… I was happy. I was laughing because something was funny. I was singing. I hadn’t realized that I had stopped singing. I was playing with my kid again instead of counting down the minutes until she was in bed and I could stop faking it.
Most importantly I can hear the lies for what they are: lies. My best friend is my best friend again. We are giggling together and being silly and talking about something other than the mundane details. We are loving each other again. I’m connecting with Adam again in a way I didn’t realize had gone away.
The only person whom I had the courage to mention my feelings was Adam. And if I could have avoided that, I would have because depression told me that he wouldn’t care. I had to tell him because we live together and by 9 pm I couldn’t hold it together anymore. He watched me break down more times than I could count and supported me in every effort to feel better. He was as scared as I was and I commend him for being my strong rock while I wept on the floor trying to describe why I was so tired all the fucking time.
I’m still hesitant to write about this. It still makes me nervous to tell anyone. It’s such a taboo subject. It still makes me feel like there are girls calling me an attention seeker. But I need to talk about it because someone like me needs to read about it. Needs to know that there is help. That your brain is lying to you. Depression LIES to you.
It’s been roughly 10 months since I first started to describe myself as “exhausted” every day. Every single day.
In December I was blaming the course I was taking for making me exhausted – plus Christmas plus Beans being a handful plus winter approaching. It was justifiable.
In January my father-in-law died suddenly. Enough said.
In February Adam and I went on a date where we learned to make sushi. Instead of having such a great time all evening I had to rally myself to get dressed, go, be cheerful, and not cry when 10:00 pm hit because it had all been so much. I blamed the lack of vitamin D.
In March I made a joke that I should just stop saying I’m tired because it’s really my constant state of being.
In April I had a breakdown because I couldn’t fathom how other adult couples were keeping their lives afloat – I blamed my workload: it was the end of tax season after all.
In June I made a doctor’s appointment because there is no way that other adults are this tired all the time. There must be something wrong. We did blood work, he asked me if I was happy (which I answered “yes” because I am, technically. Other than this fucking exhaustion). My blood work came back normal. I swore at the nurse who told me this over the phone – I wanted an easy solution.
In July I began to think that maybe I’m not getting enough exercise. I will start doing Barre classes. Adam and I did a 16 km hiking/camping trip. I went for a run. I biked to work. No change to report. I had days where it took 20 mins to convince myself to stop sitting on the couch (literally doing nothing but resting my hand on the dog) and just put the toys away. I stopped crafting. I stopped planning. I stopped caring about what my house looked like (pictures have been falling off the walls and I don’t care about it enough to get new hooks). I stopped initiating board games. I stopped talking to my best friend because it was easier than admitting that I didn’t have the emotional energy for her.
In August I began having thoughts like “I’m trapped in this life” and “It would be easier on everyone if you left” and “There’s too much to do. You are a failure because you can’t get it all done”. This was my darkest moment. Luckily I have been educated enough to have recognized that these were lies. I know as fact that I love my life, my husband, kid, family and friends love me, and no one can get it all done (it’s not just me).
So, this afternoon I have a doctor’s appointment where I will try to fight my brain and tell my doctor that I need help. My brain will not convince me that this is my fault and that I am beyond help. I will fight for myself and if my doctor won’t listen I will find another doctor. I need help.
Last month was the darkest month I have ever experienced and it shouldn’t have been. It was filled with love, laughter, friends, family, sunshine, fresh air and a hundred other things I enjoy but I couldn’t enjoy it properly because there was this dark cloud – it looms over and around my head, clouding my judgement of myself, not allowing me to fully enjoy my life.
I want to fully enjoy my life and I’m ready for some medical help. I cannot do this on my own and I need someone to help me in a way that my husband, friends and family cannot. Let’s see how today goes.
I want to capture this moment for myself to remember how you were when you were almost 2.
You are a spectacular creature. You are determined, strong willed, loving, generous, smart, clever and sweet.
You are determined. You are currently pushing all the boundaries you can find. This week we fought with you about whether you could sit on the seat in the canoe or if you had to sit on the floor. You can’t sit on the seat of the canoe until you are big enough to understand the movement of the canoe and that you could fall into the water if you reach too far. You fought with us about how close you can walk to the side of the road and if you could walk in the road. “No cars coming, Mommy.” I hope one day you understand that that was not the point.
You are strong willed and independent. We haven’t done up your car seat buckles in months because it’s honestly not worth the fight. I will gladly wait 10-20 minutes for you to do it yourself if I can avoid you crying all the way home. You’ve been walking up and down the stairs from the moment you realized you were physically capable. It’s been a terrifying 6 months.
You are loving and sweet. The way you hug the dog and say very sweetly “my Alice” will never get old. I will never forget the first time you ran up to me when I picked you up at daycare and yelled “my mommy is here!” I also love the way you say “Hello handsome daddy” when we pick him up from work.
You are generous and expect others to be so. We will never eat a meal where you haven’t offered your milk or food to us. I have never finished all of my meal because you ask “Mommy, may I have a bite?” and I have no will power to say no. You make sure bear has some play food for breakfast before you sit down. You offer me “mom bear” every morning when I enter your room.
You are smart and clever. You know how to unlock the front door. You have figured out games and puzzles so much faster than I could have expected. You told me last week that “Old MacDonald is my favourite song, mommy”. You can count to 10 (let’s ignore the fact that you skip 5 and 6 regularly) and have been singing your ABCs for months and recognize letters in the world. You think all Canadian flags deserve the exclamation of “Go, Canada, go!” You can put on your bath robe and tie up the strings by “self”.
I love you, my darling. I love your soft kisses, your tight hugs, your desire to be your own person, your love of others, your concern for others, your tiny little naked butt, your long toddler summer legs, your gorgeous hair with the soft curls you inherited from my dad. I love your smile, your giggle, your silliness, your Grover voice, your one-octave-too-high singing voice.
I love you. Never stop being you, my sweet nearly two year old.
I’ve been wrestling consistently since I was conscious with wondering who I am. I must be a hundred different people stuck in this one very crowded body.
Today the prominent person is longing to have time and drive to learn my dusty ukelele and write music and perform in front of a crowd. She wants to release the turmoil of emotion that has accumulated this year in a creative way. She wants to be given her chance to demonstrate herself. To show everyone. She wants to sit on a stool, play her uke and sing to a crowd with passion in her voice.
The second person fighting for escape in there is an androgynous woman who hates that I chose this frilly fucking collar this morning. Why did I put this stupid shirt on? Every time I wear it I hate it. This shirt is not me. This shirt is for someone who I thought I should be.
Another regular in this emotional rom-com is someone who is rock solid and needs no one. Who wears amazing outfits and walks her dog with confidence while listening to upbeat music. She’s the coolest part of me because she actually exists a lot of the time. I fucking love when I feel like this. I am confident, happy, musical, and social.
That little girl in the corner of the room is my mild social anxiety. She tends to sit in the centre of the stage, cross-legged, watching the audience interact while remaining alone in the spot light, trying to simultaneously disappear and draw attention to herself. She doesn’t quite know what to say in a crowd of people and always second guesses what she has said, if she says anything. If she says nothing she second guesses that too. She doesn’t feel remarkable but wants to be desperately.
There’s an incredibly strong woman working out in the other corner of the room who is trying very hard to be able to do a chin up. She can fit into her skinny jeans, has no muffin top and feels strong all the time. She’s not self-conscious of her body. She’s sitting there waiting to be pushed. She wants to get off her ass. She’s waiting for the excuses to run out.
There’s an early 20s woman who shows up far less often lately who wants to go out dancing and drinking and release her tension that way. She is easily talked down. She knows full well that being drunk sucks and there’s nowhere good to go dancing anyway.
Off to the side there, do you see her? The woman with the hair down to her ass, wearing my favourite flowy skirt, smoking a joint and telling anyone who will listen that love is the only religion we need. We just need to love each other, man.
A newer, more prominent character is the business woman. She’s confident, eager to learn, and excited about what the next step is. She’s the only one who is actively working to discover who she is. She doesn’t want to be the middle aged woman in a pencil skirt and blazer. She wants to re-define what it means for millennials to be professionals. While all the other characters are constant, this one is new so she has no history. She has no baggage. She can still be anyone. She wants to be all the above people at once. She is strongest when everyone is working in unison for the same goals. I am at my best when everyone in this crazy body is in agreement about what we look like, our core values, our musical taste, our preferred company. This career seeker is slowly taking over as the band leader. All of these women in my body are almost in time with each other. We are almost making beautiful music.
Today the music is stunning, energetic, full of drive and passion. Tomorrow the music will change. The next day we may or may not be talking to each other. Poor little social anxiety may just yell at everyone else to “shut the fuck up” and we will probably stay in that night. But after we’ve all become ok with that idea, miss hippie may take over and we will all relax a little and play board games and enjoy our husband’s company.
I am a hundred different people. I am variations of my emotions. I am I.
If you are like me, when you sit down in your car you become a slightly different person. You follow the rules are little more carefully and get a bit upset when other people do not.
Driving a car a privilege, not a right. At least, I think so. You are operating a 4,000 lb piece of machinery that can end someone’s life if used incorrectly. I happen to operate that machine with a small child in the backseat while listening to that sweet child skip all the middle letters of her ABCs. You must operate this machine while following the rules of the road in order for all of us to drive efficiently and safely.
I could list all the ways that other driver’s bother me, but it would be simpler to just say that all other drivers bother me.
It should really come as no surprise to you that I have a teensy bit of verbal road rage. I won’t cut anyone off, or follow to closely but you better believe you are getting a tongue lashing from the personal space of my driver’s seat, regardless of whether my windows are rolled up. You may get honked at, but I tend to reserve that for people who potentially put me in danger. I’m looking at you, no-signal/no-shoulder check merger. That’s how I will let you know that you are a dummy.
I wish I could explain this to my 21 month old daughter. I wish I could tell her not to listen to me while I’m driving. The problem is that it is crazy funny to hear a sweet toddler voice say “Go, you fucking dummy!” or “Damnit” over and over again.
I will admit that I have gotten better about my language in the car but sometimes there’s just that one fucking moron who thinks he can drive like no one else is on the road. I guess I should be glad that I’m teaching my kid the importance of road rules.