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Fuck the Working Mom Guilt

I’ve been at work for a month now. An entire month where I’m not the primary one spending time with Beans during the week. I drop her off at daycare, or Grandma comes and spends the day with her or Adam takes her for the afternoon. There are significant portions of every weekday where I’m not the one in charge of my daughter.

And holy christ, is that ever nice.

That’s bad to say, right?

But you know what’s great about it? I’m not fucking burnt out at the end of the day. I’m not babied out. When I pick her up at the end of the day I can actually sit down and enjoy playing with her because I haven’t been playing with her all day. I miss her during the day. By the time I get home from work I want to engage with her. I want to watch her and see what developments she has hit today. I am so fucking amped for when she can talk and tell me about her day.

I want my kid to know that I have a life. That not everything I do involves her. I want my daughter to see me as the responsible adult I accidentally became worked really hard to become. I want her to see that I am striving so god damn hard to make our budget work, to advance my career, to keep my body healthy, to nurture friendships.

When I was little I thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t really know there was another choice. No one told me. I didn’t ask. I know now that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. It’s not fun for me. Sure, it makes life easier. I can clean the house and do the groceries during the day and then Adam and I would get to relax more at night. BUT I don’t want to. I don’t want to spend my days trying to figure out how to entertain a one year old while emptying the dishwasher. I do not enjoy that. So much praise for those that do but I do not. I want to sit at my nice desk, wearing my nice clothes, my jewellery, my pretty shoes and use my brain for solving complex situations.

My kid likes daycare and Grandma days. This morning she gave me a kiss and waved me away when I dropped her off. Yesterday I got a picture of her trying to kiss the other kid at daycare. She likes it there. The fact that she likes it helps alleviate the ridiculously unfounded guilt I have about leaving her there.

I’ve always been told that I’m the best caregiver for her. That’s pretty fucking true, but you know what? I’m an even better caregiver when I take care of myself first.

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Day 33 – Why did I think I was a size 14??

Buying clothes is waaaaaay easier than sewing your own. Hopefully in a year I can say the opposite, but right now I’m frustrated. I measured myself, compared the measurements to what the pattern said and cut my pattern. I don’t know why I didn’t question that the pattern said I was a size 14. For those of you who don’t know me personally: I’m skinny. I got my father’s height (6’0″) and his family’s speedy metabolism. The sizes on the pattern only go to 16. Why did I think I was supposed to be one of the bigger measurements for this piece when I often wear a small or medium? I must have turned off my brain for this one. 

I figured out that I made the wrong size when I finished the top half of the dress and tried it on. Just way too big. So, now I have to re-cut those pieces and trim the skirt pieces I haven’t sewn yet before I can continue sewing. I’m annoyed but, on the bright side, the piece I have finished looks pretty friggen good. I have positive feelings about this dress. 

In other news, I went to a 50% off sale at Fabricland on Saturday to celebrate one month of writing this blog. You wouldn’t know it, but it was BUSY in there. Once I had my fabric cut I had to wait in the register line for 30 minutes listening to old ladies talk about how old they were. It was awkward. 

I bought 3 meters of this gorgeous polka-dotted green fabric(that I have no plans for but couldn’t leave behind), a few new spools of thread, a zipper and an eye-and-hook kit. I only over-spent by $10 this month. 

The budget is probably the hardest part of this project. Some of my spending is categorized as “hobby” (my own clothes, gifts) while some of it is set aside to grow the store. I’ve decided (with some convincing from Adam) that I need to make sales before I can purchase more supplies. I don’t want to sink all kinds of funds into this with no gain. We still haven’t figured out a set budget per listing but having Adam to talk to about how much I should reasonably spend is awesome. I’m not sure I would have self-restraint if he wasn’t helping me. I need sales to justify spending more.

Speaking of sales, I have two new items I intend to list. I haven’t mentioned them here because I totally forgot I could make them and that people would want to buy them!

The first item I’m listing is actually being commissioned by one of my sisters (my other half, really), Gaby. She makes these extremely cute headbands for babies. Seriously, once they are listed you will want to buy one for every pregnant woman you know.

The second item is on the baby theme as well. I can knit these really cute baby tuques. They are multi-coloured and so soft and crazy fabulous.The last one I made was for my niece, Mabel, over a year ago so of course I don’t have any of that yarn left and didn’t have the forethought to save the pattern either so this one will take a bit of effort to prepare for. I’m excited to be making things that I can do while watching tv again. Watch out, Ru Paul’s Drag Race: I’m about to watch all the episdoes. 

Sooooom I have officially finished the first month of this project (Happy One Month Anniversay, self!. Let’s evaluate how far I’ve come:

1. I’ve officially opened my store and have a very small amount of traffic. 

2. I didn’t quit writing this blog. This may seem like a small victory but I’ve been known to quit things pretty quickly. I’m actually quite enjoying this process and the challenge it’s been providing.

3. I have about a million ideas for new items to list in my store. 

4. I have secured a camera connection and will hopefully be taking better photos of my products by September. 

5. I’ve learned so much about being an entrepreneur and couldn’t be more excited about this journey. 

6. I am so much better with my sewing machine now than I was a month ago. I just need a cover now to keep it from getting too dusty on the off days. 

7. I’ve learned just how supportive my husband is. Adam is the greatest person to bounce ideas off and has a level head when it comes to details and keeps me in check when I think I need to spend all kinds of money on all kinds of supplies. Thank you, honey, for not letting spend our bill money on fabric.

8. Turns out my family have been waiting for this to happen. They all have requested things to be made. I’ve never had so many requests for crafts in my life. 

9. People actually read this blog and are interested in what I’m doing. This is a new one for me. I’ve never been one to be in the spot light intentionally. It’s been a strange month of bragging about this project to everyone and switching gears into bringing the attention to myself instead of others. It still feels rude to me and kind of prideful but I’m working on it. 

I’ve got 11 months left until my deadline. Here goes nothing!