- I can’t save the whole damn planet. I’m only one person.
- How in the hell did my Beans get so fucking big? She’s full sentences, great memory, full blown kid. That was a bit of a fragmented sentence. Oh well.
- Why am I so hungry by 11:30 am? Maybe I should eat a snack at 9:30 am.
- I need more time to be organized. I need to be more organized to find more time.
- This issue at work is still not resolved and I cannot do anything about it except poke the same people over and over again. I just audibly sighed about it.
- I want a new shelf system for my entry way so I can move the current one to a different location.
- If I got a more narrow entry way shelf then I could fit the ever-longed-after chest freezer there.
- If I had a chest freezer already would I have more frozen meals ready to go? Would I be worrying less about dinner tonight?
- Shit. What’s for dinner tonight?
- I chose time over money when I hired our housecleaner. She is worth every penny, even though pennies don’t exist anymore. Well, they exist, but they are no longer being produced or circulated. She’s still worth it. We just had a great conversation about the best type of mop and she complimented my DIY all purpose cleaner and chose in screen cleaning cloth.
- My body is…. well, a body.
- I missed Barre class last week. I need to lift weights and tuck and balance and stretch so badly.
- My current book is so good.
- Where do I start when I re-organize my kitchen? How do I do this without disrupting my entire Saturday? Do I need to take a day off for this project? No? Maybe Beans could help in her own way? Do I have enough space to empty the cupboards and start again? Probably not. But I think that’s the best way to do it. Thinking about the chaos before the calm is giving me anxiety and making me want to procrastinate this project more.
- I need to study.
- I need to build our next DnD campaign night. But I need to study more. At what point do I postpone this to focus on studying?
- When can I take a day off for the spa with Adam? We could use a break.
- How is our budget looking? Can I buy too many clothes today? Probably not. I better close all these tabs.
- Do I even entertain the idea of letting my 10 year old niece sleep in my 2 year old daughter’s room this weekend when she visits? Is the payoff worth it?
- We haven’t played a board game in a really long time. I want to play anything. I want to have time and energy to play anything. I want us both to have time and energy at the same time.
- What kind of plant would survive in a hanger in front of my East facing bedroom window? Where do I get a support to hang a plant? Would it even look good there? Would it annoy me there? Where can I put a small tree in our house?
I’ve been wrestling consistently since I was conscious with wondering who I am. I must be a hundred different people stuck in this one very crowded body.
Today the prominent person is longing to have time and drive to learn my dusty ukelele and write music and perform in front of a crowd. She wants to release the turmoil of emotion that has accumulated this year in a creative way. She wants to be given her chance to demonstrate herself. To show everyone. She wants to sit on a stool, play her uke and sing to a crowd with passion in her voice.
The second person fighting for escape in there is an androgynous woman who hates that I chose this frilly fucking collar this morning. Why did I put this stupid shirt on? Every time I wear it I hate it. This shirt is not me. This shirt is for someone who I thought I should be.
Another regular in this emotional rom-com is someone who is rock solid and needs no one. Who wears amazing outfits and walks her dog with confidence while listening to upbeat music. She’s the coolest part of me because she actually exists a lot of the time. I fucking love when I feel like this. I am confident, happy, musical, and social.
That little girl in the corner of the room is my mild social anxiety. She tends to sit in the centre of the stage, cross-legged, watching the audience interact while remaining alone in the spot light, trying to simultaneously disappear and draw attention to herself. She doesn’t quite know what to say in a crowd of people and always second guesses what she has said, if she says anything. If she says nothing she second guesses that too. She doesn’t feel remarkable but wants to be desperately.
There’s an incredibly strong woman working out in the other corner of the room who is trying very hard to be able to do a chin up. She can fit into her skinny jeans, has no muffin top and feels strong all the time. She’s not self-conscious of her body. She’s sitting there waiting to be pushed. She wants to get off her ass. She’s waiting for the excuses to run out.
There’s an early 20s woman who shows up far less often lately who wants to go out dancing and drinking and release her tension that way. She is easily talked down. She knows full well that being drunk sucks and there’s nowhere good to go dancing anyway.
Off to the side there, do you see her? The woman with the hair down to her ass, wearing my favourite flowy skirt, smoking a joint and telling anyone who will listen that love is the only religion we need. We just need to love each other, man.
A newer, more prominent character is the business woman. She’s confident, eager to learn, and excited about what the next step is. She’s the only one who is actively working to discover who she is. She doesn’t want to be the middle aged woman in a pencil skirt and blazer. She wants to re-define what it means for millennials to be professionals. While all the other characters are constant, this one is new so she has no history. She has no baggage. She can still be anyone. She wants to be all the above people at once. She is strongest when everyone is working in unison for the same goals. I am at my best when everyone in this crazy body is in agreement about what we look like, our core values, our musical taste, our preferred company. This career seeker is slowly taking over as the band leader. All of these women in my body are almost in time with each other. We are almost making beautiful music.
Today the music is stunning, energetic, full of drive and passion. Tomorrow the music will change. The next day we may or may not be talking to each other. Poor little social anxiety may just yell at everyone else to “shut the fuck up” and we will probably stay in that night. But after we’ve all become ok with that idea, miss hippie may take over and we will all relax a little and play board games and enjoy our husband’s company.
I am a hundred different people. I am variations of my emotions. I am I.